its doesnt matter
how many times i tell myself that i dont need you; that im better off without you; that i hate you. it doesnt matter how hard i try to forget you. nothing matters without you. i can lie to myself a thousand times, put on a smile for all my friends, repeat the phrase “i’m fine” until i turn blue in the face, it doesnt change a thing. its been eight months. eight. and where have i gone? nowhere. ive stood still for almost 248 days. motionless without your pull. i cant believe its been that long. the time in between then and now just doesnt seem to matter…i cant even remember it. i cant remember anything before you, i cant recall anything after you. all i see, all i breathe, all i know is you. all i feel is your abscence, this giant hole in my chest. i wish i hated you. i wish everything i told myself about you was true. then it wouldnt matter. but it doesnt matter. you arent here. nothing matters. i feel defeat. i know you will never come back. even if you wanted to. ive always hated your pride. lie. ive always loved everything about you. even the things i hated; they made me love you that much more. but it doesnt matter. he loves me, he loved me, he loves me not. not. not.
i love him, i loved him, i hate. hate. hate. fall, falling, fell, crash, burn;. love. love. hate.
