Who needs a raincoat when your skin is waterproof?

I don’t understand

how you can be content with your life, just sitting. i sit in one place, by myself, and i feel suffocated. like someone has reached inside my chest and has started to squeeze my heart. its as if i need to be around others to distract myself from myself. is this a fear of being alone, or is this a form of self-hatred. i suppose the two could go hand in hand. id rather not believe that i hate myself, or that im afraid of being alone for that matter. ive always prided myself on being independant, not needing someone to be there for me, being fine on my own. perhaps thats just who i want to be. perhaps i’m all talk. but who isnt? be who you want to be, stay true to who you are. two inspiring ideals….its too bad one has to be wrong for the other to be right. oh whats with all of these complications? What is the purpose of having difficult lives. we all do. no one has it easy. regardless of circumstance, each of us are eaten alive every day from the inside out by our tormenting emotions. why? maybe we think to hard. maybe it isnt complicated at all. we just make it that way. but how do we stop? can we stop? i’m thinking not. there’s another one: you can do anything you set your mind to. why do we tell ourselves this? to motivate us to do something with our short period of time on this earth? to give ourselves purpose? why are we aiming for a target we cant see? we could be shooting the arrow upsidedown and backwards for all we know…. clinging to the idea of having a meaningful life in the desperate search for purpose, putting ourselves through endless endeavours and tedious tasks all in the name of reaching our goal. when the truth is, we have no idea what our goal is. not a clue. why do we do this. why cant i sit by myself with no one to distract me from my thoughts. i guess it scares me. i’m afraid to know that i dont know. im afraid that my brain will stumble upon the notion that i am living my life with the goal of having meaning, and i have no idea what this meaning is. its quite possible, in fact quite probable that i am doing it completely wrong. i hate being by myself because that when it becomes frighteningly apparent that i dont have a clue. do you?